I always feel strange about times like this, where "it's tomorrow already" like a child might put it. Well, not strange. I'm not entirely sure what to say about it, but it feels to me like it should be yesterday and yet it's today. It'll be 3 a.m. in about twenty minutes.
It's in times like this that I feel I want to live because they represent the maximum amount of privacy. I can't help but feel that during the day anyone can and will come and stick their nose into my business. I don't have anything to hide, theoretically. If people saw what I was doing with my life, I might disappoint them.
Either way it gets to being this time and I can be here and know that no one will come. It's like living in a bubble for a moment, but it's not a very long moment and time passes anyway, and it turns out I don't like this either. I don't know. I don't know. I am not making a lot of sense.
I will stick to facts: I live with my mother and she tells me that I am welcome to live with her for as long as I need to. I know she worries I will never be able to live alone, I know she isn't wrong to worry about that. But right now she is away, and soon she will be away for a long time. I'm not worried about myself, but I make promises about things I'd do if I have to or an emergency should happen and I don't know whether I will keep those promises. I worry for her too. People tell me I shouldn't be paranoid. I don't think I am paranoid, but my mind wanders to the worst scenarios.
That's one of the things currently going on in my life. I'm not sure what to think about it exactly, but it's there. The other big one is my medication I talked about in my first entry. I am less afraid now of it not working, because I think I am seeing some signs or effects of it. But everything is very subtle and I wonder whether I am trying to trick myself into noticing things that aren't there. I hope not. Either way I need to persevere. I take it every day with religious regularity. Maybe that makes it harder not to look for effects and signs of it working every day, but I know I need to think long term.
Another thing is I have not left this house for about a week now. It's not my house. I can't bring myself to go outside but I need to go to my house to get some things of mine. I am not trying to grow my facial hair, but I have no razors here. It's a bit annoying. I don't really know what keeps me from going outside and taking the ten minute walk to my house. Well, it feels ridiculous to even put it this way. If I had something urgent to do, I would probably leave for it. But just for myself, I hide away inside this room. I don't miss people either. I'm not sure how I should feel.
Other than all this, nothing of note has been going on in my life. I think that's good, because so many things of note are undesirable. I hope they will continue not happening.